I feel the need to explain a little about myself as I intend on staying anonymous so I can be totally open here.
As I said, I'm 31, female and live in Canada. I come from a middle-upper class family and have two University degrees. Not that I feel any of that actually defines who I am.
The definition of me is well traveled, (I have lived on two different continents and in 4 different countries) a feminist (this has nothing to do with men or hating them as I am married to one, the sister of one and friends to many..who really thinks that anymore anyway), huge (not only in my body but in my emotions and the way I love people), loved (I have an adoring husband, mother and best friends. I also have 3 siblings and a father but I know my siblings don't adore me but my dad may),Wise ( I have spent my whole life wanting to know why I am the way I am, I know myself very well) experienced (I have done more than most people I know have, living across the world from my home is a large part of that but in most facetts of my life I have a lot of expereince, the tramua and distructive behaviour I have been through unfortunatly also counts for a lot of my experience) proud (I am proud of who I am and where I come from. I am also proud of being a big beautiful woman)
Monday, August 9, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
First
This is my first ever blog and therefor my first ever post.
I don't know where I should begin. If time permitted I would give my life up until this point but I dont have the time to write that nor do you have the time to read it.
So lets start with today.
Today I am at work, not working as has been the case lately and realing after 4 days of extreme binging. I am taking care of my mom's dog while she is out of town, so every evening for the past week I leave my husband (we will call him Josh) and go to my mom's house and binge on food until I am so full that I actually feel high. Its what I imagine opiates to feel like.
Opiates are the only type of drug I have not done. My 10 years of drug use consisted of mainly uppers and cocaine was my drug of choice.
When I am high on food I feel light stoned and sedated.
It's 2 hours before I leave work and have to make the decision I dread everyday...what to have for dinner. Dinner time is when my binging starts. I eat "well" all day and then feed the beast all night. I have plans to go to yoga and meet my friends this evening, but all I want to do right now is feed. Let it be known that I have planned a sensible meal, I always have an healthy meal planned.....but all I want to do is feed the beast.
I am over 300 pounds and have been off drugs for about 7 years now. I have always binged on food, since I was 11 but this is the worst it has ever been.... This is my daily battle, the war I wage everyday on myself.
I don't know where I should begin. If time permitted I would give my life up until this point but I dont have the time to write that nor do you have the time to read it.
So lets start with today.
Today I am at work, not working as has been the case lately and realing after 4 days of extreme binging. I am taking care of my mom's dog while she is out of town, so every evening for the past week I leave my husband (we will call him Josh) and go to my mom's house and binge on food until I am so full that I actually feel high. Its what I imagine opiates to feel like.
Opiates are the only type of drug I have not done. My 10 years of drug use consisted of mainly uppers and cocaine was my drug of choice.
When I am high on food I feel light stoned and sedated.
It's 2 hours before I leave work and have to make the decision I dread everyday...what to have for dinner. Dinner time is when my binging starts. I eat "well" all day and then feed the beast all night. I have plans to go to yoga and meet my friends this evening, but all I want to do right now is feed. Let it be known that I have planned a sensible meal, I always have an healthy meal planned.....but all I want to do is feed the beast.
I am over 300 pounds and have been off drugs for about 7 years now. I have always binged on food, since I was 11 but this is the worst it has ever been.... This is my daily battle, the war I wage everyday on myself.
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